How to Build a Healthy Relationship with Grief?

We are going through a tremendous period of grief that fundamentally affects our outlook on life in Turkey ...

As we try to cope with this flood of emotions that fills our spiritual, physical and mental aspects, many of us may find ourselves inclined to suppress these emotions or experience them in a way that is dissonant with our essential selves. However, each of us has a unique immanence and life flow that makes the experience of grief unique to us...If we first understand, accept and learn to process our grief and its echoes in a manner that is true to who we are, we can grow through our pain, heal and move towards a more balanced and healthy future. 

So in this article, we explore the value of developing a healthy relationship with grief and how we can navigate this challenging journey while remaining connected to our core...

What is Grief?

Grief is a compendium of emotional, cognitive and experiential responses to loss. When a loved one passes away or a cherished relationship ends, we often experience imbalances that bring pain to our whole being. We experience spiritual, mental and physical changes. No matter what, these are all natural reactions that are part of being human and of our flow...

Grief is not a generalizable concept, it is highly individual... Indeed, although we are interconnected beings due to our social nature, our personality, our feelings and our life journey are always unmatched...

As personal as grieving is, the drivers of grief can be just as diverse. Yes, the loss of a loved one can undoubtedly create a life-transformative phase of intense grief. But apart from that, the passing or serious illness of a complete stranger, separation, loss of home, loss of job, or even the elusiveness of a dream can cause us to grieve.

There is neither right nor wrong in grief, nor does grief have a scale as big or small... As long as our loss matters to us, it is normal to grieve for it.

Symptoms of Grief

Grief is a multidimensional and idiosyncratic phenomenon. It varies immensely from person to person in many aspects, including its causes, intensity and effects. So sometimes it can be hard to recognize whether the feelings we are experiencing are grief or not. Still, according to research pioneered by psychiatrist G. Libman Engel in “Is grief a disease?”, the emotional, mental and physical symptoms of grief are relatively predictable.

Emotional: Especially in the face of unexpected loss, our grief often manifests itself in shock, bewilderment and confusion. These feelings may be accompanied by expressions of sorrow such as despair, longing and loneliness. Our grief may also lead us to guilt and resentment. The trigger of grief can also lead us to remember our own mortality and fragility, causing anxiety and fear.

Mental: Grief can disconnect the mind from the present moment and weaken our awareness...When some of us experience a loss, we look back and trap our minds in thoughts of ‘what ifs’. Others may find themselves daydreaming about “what life would have been like without this loss”. As our motivation diminishes, we may tend to isolate ourselves and withdraw from our usual routine. 

Physical: Fatigue and exhaustion are common symptoms of grief. So are loss or imbalance of appetite... Disruption of our sleep patterns is another possible symptom. We may also experience sudden and indescribable physical aches and pains, especially headaches, nausea and blood pressure changes.

Depending on who we are, some of these symptoms may be more intense or mild, and it is perfectly normal to not feel some of them at all... So comparing our feelings to others is like admitting that there is something ‘wrong’ with our own grief, which can render our process unhealthy. Because this can lead us to start feeling bad about our ‘out of the norm’ feelings on top of the pain of our loss. Grief is a complex and individual journey. Valuable to remember...

Stages of Grief

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the concept known as the "five stages of grief": 

• Denial - This is the stage where we say, "This can't be happening to me!" 
• Anger - This is the phase in which we look for the culprit of our loss. 
• Bargaining - We try to negotiate with the 'power' that we consider sacred in line with our beliefs and principles. 
• Depression - Intense despair, sadness and isolation in the face of the certitude of the loss.
• Acceptance - This is the stage where we accept the irreversibility of loss and make peace with it.

According to today’s psychiatrists, these stages are neither linear nor sufficient to make sense of grief... We, too, believe that grief is not a formulaic step-by-step process, but a wavy journey with varying manifestations and intensities from person to person. Some of us may not go through denial or bargaining, but this does not mean that we are experiencing grief wrongly”. 

Nonetheless, we can use these stages to better understand that grief is a fluid and developmental process. Grief inevitably takes time and may look different in a week, a month and a year after the loss. Recognizing and accepting this is part of establishing a healthy relationship with grief...

Building a Healthy Relationship with Grief

Healthy grief is a healing path that allows us to bring new harmony, balance and meaning to our affected lives, while preserving the memory of a significant loss in a way that is true to who we are. And actually it is quite intrinsic, its essence lies within us. 

Avoid comparing your grief with others: Our grieving process is shaped by our inner self and our genetic heritage in addition to our life journey. The key is to recognize that grief is a dynamic and personal journey and does not need to conform to expectations of how we “must” grieve.

Embrace the process: There is no ‘standard’ timeline for healthy grieving. What may take a few months for some may take years for others... Whatever our grief experience, it is valuable to be patient with ourselves and allow the process to unfold in a way that is inherently authentic.

Accept feelings with awareness: Grief is not only about pain and sadness. For example, being grateful for our existence is also part of the process. Healthy grief is about accepting whatever emotions it brings, embracing them with compassion and understanding, and recognizing that we did the best we could under difficult circumstances.

Connect the way that fits your core: Grief is an inherently lonely process, and when the loneliness becomes unbearable within, we may want to “connect” with our environment. This does not have to be at the level of words, coming together with nature is also a connection. Even not talking about our grief or doing pleasurable activities with people is a healthy phase of grief that is distinctively our own.  

Express your feelings: In order to resonate with our feelings in a way that is true to our essence, it is also valuable to reflect our feelings creatively, both to our surroundings and to ourselves. This can be anything from journaling to painting, from cooking to meditating, from dancing to singing...

Honor your loss: Honoring our loss helps us to come to terms with our grief and to redefine our lives in our own way. For example, we can light a candle or create a memorial space in a corner of our home or plant a tree.

Take care of your health: Grieving requires energy and intentionality. We cannot have a healthy relationship with grief if we leave ourselves to the control of grief and abandon self-care. This is why it is valuable to continue taking care of our holistic wellbeing during this process... Self-care in our grief journey can be any healthy method that is good for us, from nutrition to exercise, from bathing rituals to meditation and yoga. Its duration and content depends entirely on our personality and how we feel in the moment...

In conclusion, whatever the cause of our grief, there are many diverse and healthy ways that over time can ease our sadness and help us come to terms with our loss, gain new awareness and ultimately bring harmony and balance to our lives. But it is valuable to remember that there is no one right way to have a healthy relationship with grief and that we need to give ourselves as much love, compassion and care in the process as we give our loved ones...